When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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