My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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