Don't you send me to vm
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
