So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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