so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
