Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
