Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
