Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
