I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
