so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
