the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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