Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
