Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
