JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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