i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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