my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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