i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
