Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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