i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
