you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
