You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
