Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
