I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
