the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Did I show you my penis last night?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
