I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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