I look better un-naked...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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