Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
