The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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