drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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