I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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