On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
