I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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