To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
