saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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