I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
