I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
