I accidentally had phone sex last night
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
