Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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