It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
