I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
