you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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