"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
