I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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