Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
