I just cut my nipple shaving
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
