she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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