I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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