im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
