i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
