I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
