it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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