He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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