Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
