I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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