You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
