I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
