It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What's dad's email?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.