3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"