I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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