Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
